It was Mothers Day yesterday here in the UK. For me, it was a day of being spoiled, catching up with good friends and generally eating a little too much chocolate if I’m honest.
Mothers Day for me was also a time of reflection and remembrance, and its important to consider how rubbish it can be for many.
Mothers Day without your Mum
My mum died when I was 22, now at 48, Mothers Days still stings a little, although I do try to focus on happy memories. In doing so, I raised a glass to her yesterday. Before I had children Mothers Day was a time I dreaded. The lead up and day itself evoked all manner of emotion from sadness, bitterness, jealousy and a constant “what would she…..?”
Over a period of 26 years, longer without my mum than with her, its easy to develop the imaginary future you would have had, you hoped to have had or that others have. I honestly don’t know what our relationship would be as adults, we never had the chance.
Never a Grandma
Now, I don’t know what sort of Grandma she would have been, I don’t know how involved with the children she’d be, I know that she would have filled my children with sweets and given noisy toys, because she could!
But, I feel sad that she hasn’t met my children, sad that my children don’t have that sense of her, although they know so much from me, its not the same. I try to keep her alive in their hearts and we chat a lot about her. However, society doesn’t always support us, bring your grandmother to school day was a shocker, who thought that one up?!
When you’re a Mother without a Mother
There have been many times I’ve wanted her near, through times of joy and achievement, times of worry, relationship break ups, but none more so than when I became a Mum. During pregnancy there were questions I could have asked her but not others (I’m resisting mentioning piles at this point!) , my fears for the birth, how did she cope? As my children achieved their first milestones, I realised I had never had that conversation with my mum about mine, well not that I could recall. I remember being told I talked early (no surprise there!) but not the specifics.
Mothers Day after Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Child Loss
Mothers Day also brings sadness for many who have experienced loss, be that miscarriage, a baby born sleeping or the death of your child at any age and my heart goes out to anybody in that situation. For many it is impossible not to have worked out how old your child would be at this time, what would your Mothers Day have been like.
A time of hope?
Many couples experience fertility issues, and if thats you, you may have struggled with yesterday also. Many emotions will surface, often negative but hopefully some positive, for next year perhaps. But, allowing yourself to hope is hard sometimes.
So, I just wanted to jot down some thoughts regarding Mothers Day and acknowledge that for many, its not always a great day.
Aversion of uncomfortable feelings doesn’t always make them smaller.bI would encourage you, if it feels comfortable for you, to notice what it is you are feeling in this moment, and for now acknowledge that the feeling (not the situation) is, as it is, for you right now, in this moment.